Osama bin Texan has been fornicating with fantasy books in the last month. Unfortunately, they have confused and infuriated him because they invoke certain cognitive dissonances.

ObT was educated by North Eastern liberal elitists, so whenever Bad Commie points out a really commie stabbing good fantasy book, ObT just starts frothing at the mouth and mumbling how Tolkien is the only commie approved author and how everyone must bow down to the elitist Tolkien. Of-course, it is obvious to all good commie stabbers, that his pathetic attempts to talk about Tolkien are just a propaganda motivated attempt to change the subject
His typical Tolkien Defense is like the Chewbacca Defense - it is directly tied in to his absorbing by osmosis the elitism of the NE commies. When he absorbed the elitism, it made him think that only old elite things were good. This is why he is conditioned to insult modern fantasy, which is 10 times better than commie fantasy like Tolkien. The commies brainwashed him so good that he "knows" that only commies are allowed to be the source of "real" fantasy. A poor smelly peasant like ObT can not possibly be allowed to have a fantasy, or to "imagine stuff" outside the limits that his commie masters set.

So in order to clarify things for ObT, I have compiled some helpful stabformation about which fantasy characters are commies and which ones are not:

Orcs:


Orcs are random green/black/red angry lumps. Being angry, the implication is that they are stupid. Just from than one piece of cognitive dissonance alone, it is obvious that orcs are pure capitalists. Let's face it - when you hear people loudly being called angry, ugly and stupid its a sure sign that there are loud mouthed unstabbed commies around - THEY ARE THE ONES TALKING. I suspect that orcs must all be really great capitalists like Bill Gates to justify the amount of ugliness and stupidity that's ascribed to them.

Dwarves:


Dwarves are fat stout midgets. This makes them either successful Mexicans or Napoleons. If they are Napoleons, then they are French, so there is not doubt about whether or not they are commies. However, I have also heard disturbing rumors that dwarves like mining and working hard and money. Therefore dwarves are probably not French. So I guess they are successful Mexicans. So Dwarves are Mexican Bill Gates, which makes them definitely not commie.

Elves:


Elves are tree loving hippies with Spock like ears and attitudes. As tree loving hippies, they turn into commies when they are gathered together into lynch mobs. However, elves are also alone in the forest all the time, so they have no chance to practice communism. All in all, these hippie scum should be watched with extreme suspicion. If you see two of them together, immediately shoot one as a lesson to the other one. However, there is a remote chance that some elves are non commies. I recommend finding the ones that get angry and frothing mad. Those are good candidates for stab delaying. A good way to find out which ones get angry is to torture them.

Death Knights:


Death Knights are mighty warriors and kings who have been forced to serve so called "evil" past the end of their life because of some great tragedy. They are often more powerful in death than they were in life. So, they are basically like really really cool. Since death knights are so prolific at stabbing, any accidental kindness to a hippy can be excused on their part.

Kender:


Kender are happy midgets who compulsively steal all the time. As, I've told people on numerous occasions, I'm pro small crime (because small crime is the essence of capitalism) and this is exactly the kind of crime kenders commit! Kenders never commit large crimes! I can safely say that kenders are very Bad Commies!

Dragons:


Dragons are big scary flying lizards with halitosis. I guess that fact that they have halitosis makes them a little bit like Russians. Hmmm. Also dragons are always loners so they can't be commies, only criminals at most. And they are usually LARGE criminals. Hmmm. I don't know. I guess its kind of immaterial, since if you're next to a dragon you're usually doing a good impersonation of a bonfire.

Wizards:


Wizards is really really great! Especially when they are turning people into sheep or making false gold or blowing stuff up with fireballs, or making potions or consorting with demons or becoming gods! Pure capitalists!

Trolls:


Living under bridges, bothering passerbys, collecting fake taxes, regenerating from damage. Yes indeed, someone is being a Bad Commie!
-posted by Bad Commie @ 7:02 PM