Operation Tiger Claw was my first attempt at leading a protest against the apathy and leftism running rampant at my school. It all started on Friday, May 14th with a small act of conservative pride. My socialist history teacher was on another kick about how articulate Noam Chomsky was, when I finally reached my limit.

Within weeks America was infested with swollen creatures stumbling across lawns and strip malls--and talking, always talking. Earlier Zombies were "the walking dead," while scientists call the Bush-Zoms "the talking dead."

When faced with opposition, the creatures turned savage. As one soldier recalled, "They just suddenly...turned on people. I saw things..." He shook his head, unable to continue.

Another commando said wryly, "These things may not think, but they sure do react."

Within weeks the mainland was B-Z territory, a No-Go Zone for those with an intact forebrain. Survivors fled to offshore islands like this one, where the last-ditch attempt to study the B-Z continues.

At first, Bush-Zoms were strapped to dentist's chairs for deprogramming. The technique failed. "They just f*ckin' dissolved into pus an' bile if you tried to argue with'em," explained one soldier.

In desperation, scientists are seeking new ways to approach the Zombies. When reporters toured the secret underground lab, they found a grim scene, with chained zombies illuminated by generator-powered floodlights, their reactions being probed cautiously by sleep-deprived research scientists.

Currently, researchers pin their slim hopes on the idea of finding some sort of common ground, some common human response, which can be used to bridge the human/zombie gap.

Researchers say their efforts are focused on a recently-captured B-Z, whom they have nicknamed "Bud." Captured in a daring commando raid on rural Missouri--a notorious breeding-ground for a particularly venomous subspecies of Bush-Zombie--Bud shows occasional flashes of something resembling intelligence, which have normally jaundiced scientists daring to hope against hope that contact can be made. "Bud's the most promising specimen we've got," said a researcher.

Indeed, at first glance Bud seems almost human. He must have been a young man when the plague struck, for he stands upright, and has not developed the ape-like "zombie crouch" noted in older victims.

Researchers communicate with Bud eye-to-eye, though he is chained at the waist and enclosed by a cage. "We hope that humane treatment will elicit human response," said behavior specialist Dr. Karen Hoch. "Right now we're trying to see if some form of persuasion will work on him."

As reporters looked on, some of America's finest communicators tried to capture Bud's attention. First came New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, who entered confidently, carrying a mass of charts and graphs. "Oh, this'll get him! I can show him the tax cuts will all go to the richest 2%! That'll open his eyes!"

Two hours later, Krugman left in disgust. Bud had simply stared at the floor thoughout the lecture, repeating something which linguists identified as the word "elitist," though his rotting lips and tongue made it sound like a low hissing. Krugman, when told Bud had called him an elitist, lost control, taking off his shoe and throwing it at the zombie. "I'm an elitist, you imbecile? I'm trying to tell you the real elite, the billionaires--"

Over the course of a long, weary day, reporters watched expert after expert try to reach Bud--without success. A former member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff conducted a "dumbed-down" military briefing for Bud's benefit, explaining that our lack of any coherent strategy in Iraq makes defeat certain. Bud, who had at first shown signs of respect for the General--even offering a sluggish salute--turned away hissing, "lib'rul biased Army...buncha peaceniks..." At this point the officer, unused to insubordination, drew his pistol and was prevented from shooting Bud only by an aide who grappled with him, shouting, "That thing's already dead!"

Researchers then tested more radical ways of changing the zombie's belief-system. Bud was shown a video simulation of President Bush personally strangling a naked Iraqi prisoner on the floor of the Oval Office, then sodomizing the corpse. Bud's reaction was a dry hacking resembling a laugh, and a muttered, "Go Bush!"

The research staff then tried an even more radical technique. Fake news reports saying that the US had just launched an allout nuclear attack on the entire world were shown to Bud, who reacted by mumbling, "Fuck the French!"

As the day waned, media specialists, advertising whizzes and distinguished academics courted Bud's attention without success. There was at least one fatality, when Progressive actress Susan Sarandon attempted to "reach out to Bud" as she did to a death-row inmate in the film Dead Man Walking. Before commandos could restrain her, she put her hand through the bars to grasp Bud's.